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"A Frenchmen's home is where another man's wife is." - Mark Twain -1878-79 Journal
"There is nothing lower than the human race...except for the French." - Mark Twain 1878-79
"French history: They turn on their friends and surrender to their enemies!"
I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER
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| blagues de toto |
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.
Q. How do you stop a French tank?
A. Say "boo"
How do you separate the men from the boys in France? With a crowbar.
Hey ! Do you know what's the difference between a Frenchman and a chimpansee ? - One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his ass all the time. The other is a chimpansee.
Why do the french get more votes in the U.N. They vote with both hands
blagues en francais
Q. What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A. The basketball team showers after 4 periods.
The Surgeon General got a new law passed: all cigarette boxes must have a picture of a French guy on it.
Q. How many jokes are there about the French?
A. One, the rest are true
What is the french peoples favorite movie? the running man
During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops. The Germans then lit them and threw them back.
Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!
Q. Why don't cheesburgers sell well in France
A. Because they don't smell like crap.
When is it white laundry day in France? Never, any white laundry in france is already hung up on a stick being waved
Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him
Q. How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A. Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France
A.They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits
Q. Whats the difference between a frenchmen and a bucket of shit?
A. The bucket
What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
Q. Why do french people always wear yellow?
A. To match the color of their blood!
Why do the French never perform �the wave� at a soccer game? Because, that's a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A. One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!
jokes Facts about Americans
Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude
Why does the French Navy suck? Because cardboard doesn't float!
Q. Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?
A. Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!
Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible.
What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A salesman
What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes.
As read this on the back of a public restroom door. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.
Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
What's the difference between 1943 and 2003? This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.
Q. Why do the French Smell?
A. So blind people can hate them too!
Q. Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A. Because it doesn't really exist.
Q. Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A. They're too hard to peel.
Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian.
How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
Why is good to be french? You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q. How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II????
A. Not Enough.
The French; they are a funny race, they fight with their feet, and fuck with their face!
Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama? So the French can show them how to surrender.
What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead french man In the middle of the road? There's skid marks In front of the skunk.
Q. How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?
A. Nobody knows, its never been tried before
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.
meilleures blagues
Q.How do you castrate a frenchmen???
A.Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why do frenchmen always were yellow tyes?
A. to match the teeth
Whats the best place to hide your money?
A. under the soap of a frenchman
Q. how can you tell if a frechmen has been in your backyard?
A. your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q. What do you do if you see 90,000 dead french-men?
A. Stop laughing and re-load!!
Q. What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A. A good days hunting.
Q. What do you do if you drive over a French man?
A. REVERSE!
Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his licence to practice medicin? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was by far the best vet in town.
What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand? Get more sand.
Q. Why do French men have moustashes?
A. To remind them of their mothers.
Q. How long does it take a french woman to have a poo?
A. 9 months
Its best to learn French so you can make fun of them before you kill them.
Why wasn't Jesus born in france? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Q. How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A. Fill up his boots with water
Q. Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog?
A. Yes, it is unfair to amphibians.
Q. Why do the French cook with lots of garlic?
A. To improve their breath.
Q. Wy don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A. He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French
Q. How do you kill a Frenchman?
A. Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Q. Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
A. So you can see their white flags better.
The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking
You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it.
Q. What happens when a Frenchman doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A. They stop delivering.
Q. How do you ruin a French party?
A. Flush the punch bowl.
Q. Why did the Frenchman sell his water skis?
A. He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. It doesn't matter; if you're depending on the French to do the job, it's screwed anyway.
Q. What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you?
A. Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q. What do you do if a Frenchman throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q. Did you hear about the French helicopter crash?
A. The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q. How do you break a Frenchman's finger?
A. Hit him on the nose.
Q. How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A. Throw in a bar of soap.
Q. How do you keep a Frenchman in suspense?
Q. What does it say on the bottom of a Perrier bottle in France?
A. Open other end.
Q. Did you hear about the French hockey team?
A. They all drowned in spring training.
Q. Did you hear about the new automatic French parachutes?
A. They open on impact.
Q. Did you hear about the French submarine with a screen door?
A. Don't laugh... it keeps the fish out.
Q. What did France used to be called?
A. Germany, and then we saved them.
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better
Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. A bisexual.
Q. What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians at the Pentagon.
A. The Axis of Weasels.
Q.The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear?
A. Track shoes.
Q. How do you sink a French battleship?
A. Put it in water.
Q. Did you hear bout the French Kamikaze?
A. He flew 30 successful missions.
A French firing squad stands in a circle, then surrenders.
Q. Why did the French agree to build the channel tunnel?
A. To make it easier to escape to England when the Germans come again.
Q. What's green, cold, slimey and croaks?
A. A Frenchman
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
10 When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
9 Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
8 You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
7 If there's a war you can surrender really early.
6 You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
5 You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
4 You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
3 Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
2 You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
1 People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
Q. why are the French afraid of soap?
A1: because if they drop it the Germans will fuck them again
A2: they have never seen it before
Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.
The French still need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.
France did send Inspector Clouseau to Iraq to help with the inspections. Know what he found?
-- 20 more votes for Al Gore.
Q. What would the French call a nuclear explosion in Paris?
A. Proof that more inspectors are needed.
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Ira
Q. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
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| blagues en francais |
Q: when was the last good french barbecue?
A: 1431, and it involved Joan of Arc
Q: Why don't the French Barbeque?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.
Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.
Q: What's the difference between France and Quebec?
A: Quebec has prettier women and colder beer.
Q: Why do the French like smelly cheeses?
A: Well, in a room full of French people, you can't really smell the cheese.
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its rear?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!" The French general asks "Why did you do that?" The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope." A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"
A Frenchman, an American, and a Brit were all busy getting drunk in Saudi Arabia when the cops burst in. They were soon sentenced to death, but through good lawyers, the three men were able to reduce their sentence to life. As luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each recieve 20 lashes and be let go. It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The Brit thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." They do, but it only holds for 10 lashes. The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 lashes. The judge turns to the American and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes." The American replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honerable and asks "And your second?" The American answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."
A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint. "No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?" replied the butcher.
Q. Why do Frenchmen wear berets?
A. So they know which end to wipe.
Q. Did you hear about England's new zoo?
A. They put a fence around France.
Q. How do you get a one-armed Frenchman out of a tree?
A. Wave to him.
Q. How do you sink an American battleship?
A. Have the French build it.
NEWS FLASH: The French Open tennis tournament had to be cancelled. France has plenty of rackets, but no balls.
Q. What's the similarity between a Frenchman and a cue ball?
A. The harder you hit them, the more english you get out of them.
Q. Why do Doctors like to operate on the French?
A. Because they have no guts and their heads and asses are interchangeable.
The Tour de France is so popular with the French because it's the one sport where you don't need balls.
Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.
Q. Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A. They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
Q. Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A. There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.
Random Factoid
A female flea can drink 15 times her weight in blood every day
